Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
