Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize