Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
