i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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