I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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