With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
