Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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