brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
