What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
