Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
