I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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