I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
