yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Sorry my hands just texted you
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
