I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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