she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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