ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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