I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
