as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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