I feel like abortions should bother me more
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
