I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
