my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
