Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
BRING THE BAGELS
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
