he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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