Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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