dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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