I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
