its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
