jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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