I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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