why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
