I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
