"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
