I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
