I wannas sexs uuuuu
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
