What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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