I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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