I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Randomize
