i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
