He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
