Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
