Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
