I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
