I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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