woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
