while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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