i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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