Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
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Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
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We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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