The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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