I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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