Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
