apparently the secret to your success is patron
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just forgot I was standing up.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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