If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
