i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
