i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
