i need an iv and a liver transplant
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
